happy+sappy+mountains=shmappy

i discovered a really beautiful thing yesterday. i came home from the UCB theater around 1am, hungry. i decided to make some oatmeal. but i also wanted the coffee fro yo in my fridge. i looked at the hot oatmeal, and the cold fro yo. i combined the two. oatmeal a la mode.
i urge you to try this delish treat for breakfast or dessert, as i feel it would succeed in each meal arena. or, at least, be as adventurous with your snacks.
this week i've been working on a music video. it's been really rad, and even though there's long hours, it doesn't feel like it. i drive home feeling good and not crying or numb. yaaaay! i'm looking forward to sunday's shoot, and hopefully future shoots with these same people...

all the jobs i've ever had:
JCC Summer Camp and Day Care camp counselor
Country Club Tennis Camp tennis teacher
Music and Arts music store clerk
Brew Haha barista
St. Thomas pre-school teacher
Mrs. Field's cookie seller
Emerson College front desk
Trident Cafe waitress
Espresso Royale Caffe barista
Rumor Mill barista
Phoenix Pictures development intern
Fremantle Productions tape logger reality tv
Seismic Productions office manager/assistant
this last one ends tomorrow.

all the places i've lived:
Jackson Ave
Pepperbush Ct
Boylston St
St. Stephen's St
Wadsworth
Oakwoods
South Redondo Blvd
this last one is changing a bit, no more elena.
i'll probably move within the year, depending on funds, job, friends.

----
times are a changing.
sorry to all letter writers if i've been m.i.a.

i got my first credit card, and made my first purchase.

i finished the insurance claims on both accidents i was in.

i got a tax return.

i am now. an adult.

i have a livejournal.

nevermind.

it's a slow day. slowly slowly slowly. the end should go quickly, but that's just because i want it to.
i have 7 more business days left at my current job, not counting today. my last official day is the 7th, next friday. after that day, i will be left to my own devices, looking for set work to pay the bills and the loans and wants and the needs. it's a matter of time now. i've been searching the internerds like some cyber hound dog, applying to anything vaguely of interest, resume, send, throw me a bone los angeles. i gotta work, give me some work.
version 1: i'm eagerly anticipating the change of lifestyle, the time for writing, for music, for anything. i'm being super bold and getting out of a job i'm suited for, and really jump starting my career, pushing forward after college. i'm going to work in production for a while and maybe things will unfold for me in ways i never thought possible! at least i'll be living life!!! fighting stagnation!! allowing for growth! and stimulation outside of an office!
version 2: i'm eagerly anticipating defaulting on my loans, running up my credit card, having elena pay my rent for a few months, asking my grandmother to send me cold cash, sitting inside with the lights off to save money, writing my screenplays by candle light, moving back home to delaware when i fail completely...

things i will miss about this job: co-workers namely tom erin carla and adam, but everyone really. i actually think i'll spend better friend time with haley, so she's not included. free breakfast cereals and coffee. my CD printer. free music. that is honestly all i can think of. which can only mean i'm making the right choice.

i moved to boston blind, drove across the country to los angeles without a plan, and i'm still surviving so i can only assume things will work out and i'm hoping they'll get even better.. i got a lot of things to do here, better start with the doing.

fingers crossed. any finger you have available to cross for me, i'd thank you.

trips and travels:
end of april- coachella music festival
june 7 to 9th- nyc
june 9 to ??- delaware
july 13 to 16th- what the heck fest, WA
and tons of camping/exploration therein.

living living living living living living life.

in less than a month i will be out of this office and launched into the great world of freelance work.
sounds so much better than unemployed. but that's how it goes in this town, in this industry..

my horoscope from the onion:
"Difficulty telling right from wrong will lead to indulgent behavior this week,
which in turn will lead to difficulty telling right from left."

vegas, here I come!

-this pear i'm eating
-donovan's greatest hits
-thursdays turn to fridays
-persistence of vision
-the accident was the other guy's fault, no one got hurt
-josh briggs

that's in order of least to
most most most most most
thankful for.

i had a dream last night that one of my eyes was stuck open. i have a feeling this was a result of tom's impression of the cyclops kitten, coupled with repeated reference to brian peppers yesterday. both of which make me more than a little sick to my stomach.. anyway, my dream was vivid and it was a great feeling to wake up with the use of both eyelids.

"If they put up that pancake place, those baby owls are toast!"
i don't understand why, but this line from a kids' movie campaign we're doing at my job, it won't leave my skull. endless humor. and then a more uneasiness, as i always picture having to eat owl toast or owl pancakes, feathers included. ugh.



it's raining. i wish it would east coast storm.

everyone in my office looks like a zombie. let's go home. let's get out of here.

it recently came to my attention that my fearlessness of jaywalking and traffic in general has been dangerously manifesting itself. this morning i saw a truck approaching pretty fast and pretty close, and the instinct to stop and wait was met with my legs moving forward. i was extremely fascinated when i ended up alive on the other side of the street. this is my life right now.

i am not complaining.

"Everyone does what they can to avoid thinking. Laziness is the most basic human trait. People don't want to think—they can't make the connection between entertainment and thought. They want immediate kicks. People will not be human until they get pleasure from thought—only a thinking person can be a full person."
—Vera Chytilova

so, i'm writing..

every morning when i wake up, i think of all the reasons i HAVE to get out of bed. (some of you may know about a certain handicapped athlete that runs through my brain.. oh fuck puns) i then think of the next time i'm going to be able to sleep: i think about how i'm going to come home from work and really relax and go to bed early. my third thought is always an admonishing carol you're full of shit thought, like, you know you have so much writing to do, so much in general, you'll be up all night again. then i think about how if i can make it out the door, i will start feeling good, happy to be awake.. once out the door, walking across the dark garden, i think, yes, this is good, everything's fine and sleep in whatever quantity is as forgettable as pain.
so i feel asleep with my laptop atop my lap last night, importing songs for unfinished assembly. everything's unfinished.
why why oh why do i want to write screenplays. why. it's so self-loathing, so hard, so seemingly futile. i can't stop thinking about the long term effects of each decision i make: how a certain thing will look on screen, will sound, will flow. i need to write everything, every idea, every scene and character, and stop arresting myself with perfectionism and over-thinking. it's all about the process. i had a nightmare last night that one of my co-workers wrote and sold his screenplay. i was beyond angry. he doesn't even write. somebody interpret that one for me. they say you're every character in your dreams, and it's likely it's the anger i have constantly for myself. anyway, i have to let go. i'm trying. i have two big goals in my life right now and neither have much to do with income possibility... yet the job search continues. it just doesn't feel as urgent now because i have good ideas and propelling them is the focus.

it's time i need.

"The Longest Morning Ever" By Carol Fahey
It's been 11 am for at least three hours.
I'm sitting at my desk
like at that singular planetary chair on the little prince cartoon.
My jeans feel snug and I can't tell if it's because
i washed them
i gained weight
or if i really am
bursting with excitement!
5 hours till i leave work
8 hours till i leave LA
12 hours till i get picked up in
salt
lake
city.
so i'm checking the clock
the weather
the festival schedule
the text messages
as obsessive as i can be
as this brain will self destruct in five four three..
The End.

only a thursday morning with becca tabasky would entail a brief metaphysical discussion, a fashion show, two eggs, ham on rye
-- and somehow i still made it to work on time.
days are warm, nights are desert chills again.
i can't remember exactly what day i arrived here last year, but my first los angeles anniversary is approaching. everyday here has been a new one, a never before, and soon they will turn to "last year i was..."... and more ellipses...

not to the exact moment, then, but to demonstrate:
after the obligatory night in vegas (gambling stories from the road, nothing lost or gained)
we absconded as was the custom --
we were listening to rocket man and plummeting down morning mountainscapes in california
the first time i could see it all around me, all sun ladders and majesty, for real!
hours before, we paid "way too much" for gas outside of vegas...
hours later, i exclaimed to the beauty of the day and promptly hit the guard rail.
still shocked we're alive.

to put my virginal glimpse of this western world on a metaphoric timeline:
i think i'm still descending
hands up,
yelling.
trying to be more attentive and just as awestruck.

so many tales from that trip. i need to write them out, but i'm too obsessed with moving forward.
the recent future holds: flying to utah next weekend for sundance, possible ski trip in february, vegas trip with my sisters in march, cochella, an eventual trip home, camping intermingled, and any other trips i can afford.
let's not forget the biggest adventure of all : new.job.

siiiiiigh/grin.

what will i remember in the future, from the past?
i am over-aware, well-done, and 99% incredulous.

this marks the end of the first work week of the newest, new-west, new year.
(will i ever submit to a job that does not allow open intoxication
on a frequent to semi-frequent basis?
she grinned vodkaly at her co-worker as he passed.)


sunday we traverse to the keslo dunes. i need these days.

(more like: joe, where is anything?)

even though it's not cold at all on the west coast,
i'm going into hibernation.
cause i think i need to crawl into a cave.
too much stimulation, not enough medita-preserva-crea-tion.
so in a few weeks or months, i'll climb up and out of the mountain,
proclaiming.

now, to gather final acorns
for expedition oh six...!

monday morning, feeling like a shmuck cause i'm sleep deprived and sick and i'm the only one to blame. i'm seesawing on sleepy soreness, and post-k-records-coffee-buzz-craze. i'm a little bubble of barely conscious hyper activity, if that makes sense. (*pop*)

apparently, it was one of calvin johnson's dreams to play a show in delaware. i hope you DE folks caught that show a few weeks ago. tender forever, like the blow, was a whirlwind of dancy bliss. new album tuesday, well worth an online purchase in my opinion. andre was a special treat : a homeless guy who got on stage to sing some soul and tell us how much he loved us. leave it to the fans of northwest hippies to make things right in the world for a few hours... i've said it before : happiness is a k records show, and i wear that invisible shield like swearing my allegiance to a worthwhile army, in a sea of this worthless entertainment industry... noah and i ranting before the show was a great intro to the night. that kid, he moving forward. i want to run alongside, we need to make music happen, we need to cut the ribbon.

my extremities are freezing, or is that anticipation?
if you squint, kids, LA ain't so bad.

my hair was less bleach blonde at 1:30 last night, and more like... shit sandwich. with a pre dawn excursion for more dye, i faced the new work day with locks of some indiscernable redpurplebrown.
i don't feel like me
but that feels good today!
and it feels like february! thanks to this daniel mix i smuggled into work...
and it feels too early cause i don't sleep, i just work over time.
TIME TO MAKE MORE CHAAAAAAANGES.

i'm learning! i'm learning! i'm learning! ohmygodi'mfinallylearningohmygod
things finally feel more right! like i'm not stuck there anymore, and i'm not as self-indulgent, or entropic, or whatever it was that was so harmful for so long and i think i might be able to face tomorrow--

but i'm thankful for the damage cause it's breaking a lot of rusty dusty chains
and now that i've made new bonds--
i think i can do this! i think it's getting better! like rebirth? or something magical? like manifest? fuck!

anyway, what i meant to say was : i feel thankful for and despite everything and everyone.

time to watch berserk
while the pumpkin muffins rise.

postscript: first veggie thanksgiving? yikes!

next time, can someone remember to fax or email me the "Asshole Day" memo?
Cause, really, i'd like to have permission to take my shit out on anyone, too.

had this day been any other day, i may not have been capable of laughing.
tiny blessings.

as you read this, i'm paying an elite group of international scientists to further developments on a cup of coffee that never gets cold. at the present, they've got it to lukewarm. this could be a summary of my life's worth and importance level this week : i've been useless and i've been used up. this is me. i'm a lukewarm mug of joe losing degrees. someone's drinking my dregs. i accept that it's a process, it's a wave that's breaking all messy, and at some point in the recent future i'll be better, possibly better for the breakage itself.. but these days, it's like
holding my nose
and drinking the ocean. cause there's no pens or brushes or nylon strings vibrating with vocal chords, there's no shutters flying open and shut, there's no glue or running, there's just a shitload of salty water and i wish i were outside, at the pacific, instead of alluding to it in lame foggy carolspeak. i wish i wish i wish.
where is mount eerie and how do i get there, cause i want to be back at that show or at home playing the record, or just anywhere other than this computer window bullshit los angeles pleasure and entertainment marketplace! and if i were a sculptor i'd craft images of modern humans in front of their imacs, when it used to be us with wings and running marathons and fighting monsters...

anyone want to... go fight some monsters with me?
let me know by noon cause my white flag's about to unfurl.

sometimes i question why i fall in love with CRAZY PEOPLE I MEAN SERIOUSLY INSANE PEOPLE CRRRRRRAAAAAAZZZZZZYYYYY, and
then i do realize: i'm not in love with anyone
and i'm the crazy one.

shit.

quote in an email from my mother:
"I had 2 first graders get into trouble on the recess field today because they were having a contest who could blow the most snots out of their nose."

i really miss first grade.
and my mom.